


Mission: Pussy

by reindeerjumper



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Cat Puns, Crack, Harry & Merlin should never be allowed to have free time, Harry Hart is a Little Shit, M/M, Texting, Two Dumb Idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 11:22:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11229918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reindeerjumper/pseuds/reindeerjumper
Summary: Harry: whatcha doinMerlin: stealing my neighbor's catHarry: scandalousHarry: can i help?





	Mission: Pussy

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this [text](http://hisreindeerjumper.tumblr.com/post/161950819105/harry-was-bored-practically-to-tears-it-was-the) and _had_ to write a Merlahad fic about it.

Harry was bored practically to tears. It was the first night he had off in what felt like centuries, but his body just couldn’t relax. He was amped up on endorphins and muscle memory and general need for stimulation. He fiddled with his cell phone, pinching it between his thumb and pointer finger while he lazily spun it around. Looking at the clock, he weighed his options. It was only 10:00, a perfectly plausible time to text Merlin and see what he was up to. Whether or not it was a booty call would be entirely up to Merlin’s response. 

Harry liked his chances. He smirked as he swiped the phone open and scrolled through his texts until he found Merlin’s name. Well, until he found “Merlin is a Sexy Fucker”…the smarmy git thought he’d be funny the last time they fucked, and Harry was too lazy to change it. He tapped the text and began to type.

_**Harry** : whatcha doin_

He watched the screen on his phone as the ellipses popped up, indicating that Merlin was typing a response. 

_**Merlin is a Sexy Fucker** :_  _stealing my neighbor’s cat_

An interested hum left Harry’s throat unbidden. Although it was a far cry from what Harry had initially been interested in, the idea of stealing Merlin’s neighbor’s cat  _did_  appeal to him. It reminded him of when they were younger and would get into unnecessary trouble, just for the thrill of it. Before he could second guess himself, he typed out a response.

_**Harry** : scandalous  
 **Harry** : can i help?_

He toyed with the idea of throwing his phone across the room in embarrassment, but decided against it. He hated inviting himself into other people’s mischief–and hated waiting for the response even more–but this just seemed too good to pass up. Instead of chucking the phone against the nearest soft surface, Harry turned the phone face down onto his thigh as he dug his free hand into his hair. He desperately wanted Merlin to say that he could join him…he needed to get out of the house and  _do_  something. 

Cats weren’t his favorite, but he knew that Merlin was basically a walking RSPCA when it came to forlorn felines. He had overheard Merlin complaining about the way his neighbor treated her cat to Amelia on several occasions, but never had the opportunity to discuss it with the handler himself. Merlin knew better than to bore Harry with the details of Mittens’ or Socks’ woes.

This, though? This was deliciously naughty, and Harry wanted in. 

Soon, he felt a buzz against his thigh as Merlin responded. 

_**Merlin is a Sexy Fucker** : only if you promise that you won’t fuck it up_

Harry rolled his eyes.

_**Harry** : me? never  
 **Harry** : what’s our protocol? what’s the intent? i need an itemized itinerary of what this mission holds  
_ __ **Merlin is a Sexy Fucker** : i hate you already  
 **Harry** : off to a good start then  
 **Harry** : seriously though. why are you stealing old Norma’s cat?  
 **Merlin is a Sexy Fucker** : i’ve been home for almost four hours now, and that poor cat hasn’t stopped meowing since i’ve gotten home.   
 **Merlin is a Sexy Fucker** : she’s neglecting him and i just can’t take it anymore  
 **Merlin is a Sexy Fucker:**  i can hear him outside in the back garden right now  
 **Merlin is a Sexy Fucker:** you have ten minutes to get here if you want to help me. i’m not waiting a second longer  
 **Harry:**  aye aye, captain. be there in ten.

Harry stood up from his seat and stretched, letting his spine crack luxuriously before he let his arms flop to his side with a sigh. 

This was going to be fun.

* * *

 Ten minutes later, Harry found himself in front of Merlin’s house. He was wearing head-to-toe black and had a rope slung around his shoulder. Merlin hadn’t asked him to bring it, but he felt it might come in handy. He approached the front door and was about to knock when the door flung open underneath his fist. 

Merlin stood on the other side, a droll look of annoyance on his face. “What the fuck are you wearing?” he said, leaning against the door jamb.

Harry looked down at himself, and then gave Merlin the once over. The handler was wearing an old pair of jeans and a dark green henley that made the color of his eyes practically dance. 

“I thought we were doing an extraction. I didn’t want to be seen,” Harry said. 

Merlin rolled his eyes and stood aside. “Get in here, you idiot.” Harry slid past him and into the foyer, dropping the rope on the floor. The sound of paws on hardwood quickly approached Harry as Merlin’s cats came scrambling from the living room. Mittens, Chewie, and Marilyn all circled at Harry’s feet, meowing and rubbing against the black fabric of his trousers. He let out an exasperated groan as he tried to pick his way past them. 

“Call them off, for God’s sake,” he muttered. 

Merlin laughed as he bent over to pick up Marilyn. “They like you,” he said, petting the top of the Persian’s head with his palm. 

“Well, the feeling is certainly  _not_  mutual. These slacks are Tom Ford.”

“You wore Tom Ford trousers to rescue a cat? And if you hate cats so much, then why are you here to help me save one of their brethren?”

“Because I’m bored out of my skull and I know you won’t be in the mood to fuck until justice is served.” He gave Merlin a sideways glance as he raised his chin defiantly. 

“Ah,” Merlin said, dropping Marilyn down onto the hardwood. “So we’re fucking after this?”

“If you’ll have me,” Harry responded. 

“Depends on if we successfully save Pawssanova or not.”

Harry blanched. “The cat’s fucking name is  _Pawssanova_?”

Merlin chuckled. “I told you Norma’s abusing him.”

“Poor bastard. So what’s the plan?”

“Well, he’s been crossing back and forth on my garden wall for the better part of a half hour now. I figured we could just go out and scoop him up. She clearly doesn’t care that he’s been outside for hours.”

Harry nodded towards the rope he had dropped on the floor. “Do we need the rope?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Harry,” he said, pushing two fingers underneath his glasses to rub his eyes, “don’t be a twit.”

Harry pursed his lips before saying, “A ‘thank you’ would’ve sufficed.”

* * *

 Less than ten minutes later, Harry found himself crawling along the ground behind Merlin in the back garden. A large, formidable looking Siberian cat sat atop Merlin’s garden wall, the end of its fluffy tail flicking back and forth with amusement as it watched the two of them crawling towards him. Even in the moment, Harry couldn’t believe that he was this desperate for some action. He’d done some pretty ridiculous things in his lifetime, but this probably took the cake. 

Once underneath Pawssanova’s perch, Merlin sat against the wall with his back leaned against the brick. Breathlessly, Harry dragged himself into a sitting position next to Merlin. He leaned his head back to look up above him. He could see the fluffy tip of the cat’s tail hanging over the wall, but nothing more. He looked over to where Merlin sat and said, “So, what’s the plan now?” 

“Well, when the coast is clear, I’m going to slowly stand up and grab him. Hopefully he goes quietly.”

 Harry hummed in recognition, pursing his lips. There was a pause as Harry listened to Merlin steadying his breathing with loud exhales through his mouth. He glanced over in the handler’s direction, a smile quirking the corners of his lips up.

“Did you ever think the two of us would be hunting for  _pussy_?” he said impishly, unable to keep the glee from shining in his voice.

Merlin looked at him with all of the exasperation Harry usually heard over the comms. “Will you shut the fuck up?” Merlin hissed.

_Sorry_ , Harry mouthed to Merlin, resettling himself on the ground. Merlin rolled his eyes and let his head drop back onto the brick wall. Harry ventured to guess that he wanted to slam his skull against it a few more times, but was using an incredible amount of self-restraint to not do so. 

“On my count, I’m going to go for him,” Merlin whispered. “I need you to anticipate which way he’ll jump in case I miss him.”

Harry silently nodded, wanting to avoid anymore reprimands. Merlin took one more steadying breath before raising his hand in front of them both. He raised one finger, then two, and then finally a third. At the signal, the two men jumped up and towards the cat. Harry lingered behind Merlin, dodging back and forth like some kind of half-arsed footballer while Merlin lunged forward with his arms outstretched.

Pawssanova clearly had been anticipating an ambush, because he cleanly and neatly jumped past Merlin’s hands and onto the tin trash can that sat against the garden wall. Harry leapt towards the cat, confident in his ability to catch him, but he was quickly outsmarted. Pawssanova hopped back up onto the wall while Harry crashed magnificently into the trash can. The noise was deafening.

Suddenly, the light from the house next door flicked on and both men could hear the backdoor open. “Pawssanova?” they heard an old woman’s voice call. “Are you out here?”

Merlin froze, his back against the wall with his arms spread out across it. Harry was still laying on top of the trash can lid, afraid to move a muscle. Merlin made eye contact with Harry, and hissed an adamant, “ _Shhh_!” in his direction. Norma’s door hadn’t closed yet, and the two men stood in resolute silence. They could hear shuffling on the other side of the wall and the occasional meow. 

“Alastair? Is that you?” Norma’s voice floated over the wall. There was a scraping noise from her yard and Harry could see panic rising in his eyes. “Alastair, are you torturing my poor Pawssanova again?”

“Run…run!” Merlin hissed, shooing his hands at Harry as he pushed himself off of the wall. Harry quickly pushed himself up from the trash can lid, causing it to scrape loudly against the cement patio beneath him. Merlin grabbed him by the back of his black jumper, dragging him along as he ran towards the house. Harry tried to regain his footing as he followed Merlin. When he glanced over his shoulder, he could see a pair of myopic looking eyes peering at him through a pair of Coke bottle glasses.

 Merlin threw Harry into his house through his own back door, slamming it shut behind them both. He leaned against it, huffing heavily as he closed his eyes. Harry was doubled over, his arms resting on his thighs as he regained his breath.

Merlin and Harry locked eyes and Harry started to laugh. “What the fuck?” he said breathlessly, more a statement than a question. “She’s an absolute nutter!”

Merlin was laughing now, too. His head was leaned back against the pane of glass that looked out onto the back garden, his eyes closed as he guffawed. “You’re absolute shit at cat extraction, Galahad,” he said. 

Harry laughed joyously, high on the thrill of the chase and the view of Merlin’s pulse jumping in his throat. “You know that pussy isn’t my specialty,” he said, slumping onto the floor. “Your dick is much more my speed.”

Harry didn’t have to see Merlin’s face to know that he was rolling his eyes. 

It was in that moment that Harry decided to change Merlin’s name in his phone to “Merlin is a Wanker”.


End file.
